This is my first time to actually look back and reflect on a year about to pass. I haven’t given much thought to something like this before, and it’s harder than it seems to be.
2013 has been a rough year but a lot of good things happened too. Though I wasn’t able to publish in any of the journals I submitted to, I had the motivation and opportunity to print and sell my own works.
I realized that my cynical outlook and pessimistic attitude was not a characteristic but a problem. Couple that with the youthful folly of exaggerating a moment of pain against many, small moments of happiness.
That said, I’m really happy and thankful to have kind and good friends. This year I really think that our bonds have strengthened. I’m especially thankful to D.S. who assured me that if I wanted to talk he’d always be there. Also, this year my cat and I have reached a deeper level of friendship. Before, he was just a stray who slept in our storage and whom I fed some left overs. This year, we have accepted him as pet and part of the family, complete with his own food bowls, litter box, bell collar, and the same storage space where he still sleeps. Sometimes, we allow him inside the house to cuddle on the couch, but he never learned how to bathe so we keep that minimal. I like to pet him a lot, though, and he seems to like it too.
It goes without saying that my family is a blessing. I don’t get along with them sometimes, but they continue to tolerate my miserable moods and sour episodes. Also, my nephew, secret agent cool boy.
I’m also thankful for the person who tried to help me and who has helped me in countless ways before. I know I refused the help, perhaps a bad decision, as some teachings— Jewish and Confucian— have suggested. But I hope that he understands that I want to be independent and help myself first. I know I have the strength and ability to do it on my own. While it’s true that “to love at all is to be vulnerable”, says C.S. Lewis, I don’t think vulnerability is the only way to love, true or otherwise. If he, for some miraculous reason reads this: I’m sorry for the intoxicated love letters, my lewdness and my pride, my wash-pish attitude, and the confusion I caused (granted, you paid attention and still remember. If not, then well…good!).
Finally, this year really tested my belief that being kind is the most important thing. I’ve encountered people who really got into my nerves, people who felt a strong sense of entitlement, who were rude and didn’t deserve my being polite to them let alone my respect. I tried very hard and I’m still at awe when I think about those times I was about to snap but didn’t. I suppose I should give myself a pat on the back for great restraint in terms of rage management.
I think that each passing year and life as a whole is simply one great variation piece, music that plays upon repetition and symmetrical inversions. And I think that this turn, from 2013 to 2014 (what is time but a construct, too), will be significant in my growth as a person. I’m really looking forward on to the coming year, especially because big things will be happening.